Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
