I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
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