can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
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you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
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This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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