I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
