i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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