i already hear my dad disowning me
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
