I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
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