Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
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