not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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