I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
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Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
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I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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