when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
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dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
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Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
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