Did I miss anything?
A gay irish pirate, a caveman and hunter s tompson.
so we also did drugs
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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