I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
