i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
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