That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Randomize
