I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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