K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Randomize
