I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
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