shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
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