I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
