I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
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