I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
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