20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
