okay pat passed out under dana's car
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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