Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
