Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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