I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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