it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
