So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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