i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
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truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
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Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
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