Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
