just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
