: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
