How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
