Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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