Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
