is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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