Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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