Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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