Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
