I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
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i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
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So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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