Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize