it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
operation harelip BJ is a go
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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