good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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