She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Randomize
