I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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