He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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