girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
