I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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