I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
