i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
