I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
