I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
