I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
