How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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